My Pain

Some days are painful

Most days it’s just a little ache

But some days…

I don’t know how to move

It feels like I can’t breathe

The tears stream down my cheeks

My vision goes blurry

Something catches in my throat

And I don’t know what to do

It’s not like me to feel dark

I’m not an unhappy person

I can remember the days when I was always happy

That’s how people saw me

I smiled in the halls

I tried to be friends with everyone

And I was busy

I was the girl that stood up for others

Even if I didn’t like them

I didn’t know how to say no

Mostly because I wanted to please everyone

But at home it was different

I sat alone

I never really went out

And I didn’t talk on the phone much

I learned how to say no

And I went out more

But it hurt when I thought people didn’t like me

It took me a while to realize that it was their loss

I know what it feels like to fall

I love all my friends

But with some I wanted more

It never happened

I’m okay with that too

But one time changed all the others

And that’s what hurt the most

Life is a rollercoaster

There are ups and downs

And there are things in life that hurt

After a year and a half of some serious downs

I finally started climbing up

It felt like I was climbing higher and higher

I was happier than I had felt in a long time

I had a job I loved

And friends I loved even more

Somehow I didn’t think it would end

I knew it would

It had to end

But a part of me held out some hope that it would go on

I finally descended

It wasn’t a crash landing

I’m grateful for that

I transitioned into something else

It’s a familiar job

But I don’t like really like it

And I don’t have my friends

That’s what hurt the most

Some were always coming and going

And although I miss them,

That’s not what hurts

It’s that one person I miss the most

The one I thought would still be here

The one that became the best friend

Someone to talk to

To hang out with

To go out with

To party with

It’s my fault really

I knew it would end

I’d fallen before

But this time I hit hard

Not in the sense of butterflies and love

This was different

The first few days were the hardest

That’s when the slightest memory

The tiniest glance back to what was gone

It brought it all forward

All the feelings I didn’t want to feel

That’s when I stood still

When I gasped for air

I wiped at the tears flooding my eyes

My vision blurred

Something caught in my throat

I didn’t know what to do

It still hurts

But it’s healing now

I’m trying to look forward

Right now there isn’t much

I’m biding my time until there is

Something will come along

I have faith in that

And my pain is ebbing away

Day by day it grows less