Discovering Me

Four years spent in high school

All of it searching for something

A piece of myself

We’re all trying to figure it out

Scrambling to find ourselves

But do we get it from high school?

Parents tell us that it’s ok

Friends are there for us

Everyone is going through it

Each person is searching

There’s a path we’re on

And we have to find it

No one else can travel for us

We do the walking

We do the talking

High school passes by

I’m still left searching

I didn’t realize

People told me about college

An experience and a journey

It’s a way to find you

I went

I experienced

I wasn’t ready just yet

So I’m back home

My path took a small circle

Most people don’t go my way

I’m ok taking this path

A road less traveled

It makes it more interesting

There’s something I’m still looking for

Something I’m trying to figure out

I thought I had a hold on it once or twice

Then I discovered

I finally understood

I didn’t have a hold

I didn’t know what I wanted

Maybe even not what I needed

Still, I don’t really know

And yet, I’m still looking

I’m stilling walking

And I’m still talking

I don’t fully know me

I’m still on my journey

To discovering me

Dazed

The days pass me by

I hardly realize

What I’m doing

What I’m saying

Because you’re not here

I don’t know if I can do this

If I can live my life

When you’re not here

No one beside me

No one listening

I’m drowning

I can’t breathe

The days pass by

They’re all a blur

I’m living in a daze

Tell me I’m dreaming

This can’t be real

It’s some kind of nightmare

I’m going to wake up now

I want to wake up now

Promise me you’ll be here

Let me hear your voice

Let me see your face again

Feel your arms around me

And your chin on my head

I cry

I yell

I sleep

I eat

Nothing changes

Daydreaming

It’s an ordinary day

I’m working with the kids

And it’s finally summer

That’s how my dream starts

As much as I miss the winter

I want summer to be here

Maybe it’s because of the dream

Or it might just be the warmer weather

Summer brings so much

Brighter skies

Brighter people

Brighter moods

Then something happens

I don’t know what it is

But I look up

And there you are

You show up

Without a word

And all I can do is smile

And say “Hi”

I don’t know what it means

I don’t know if it will happen

Some of my dreams do happen

So for now it’s just another one

It’s just me

Daydreaming

Day In, Day Out

No matter what day it is

No matter what I’m doing

There’s a chance I’ll think of you

Every day I go on

Every thing I carry on

I think of you

I’ll be driving down the road

And a song comes on the radio

To make me think of you

When I wake up in the morning

I think back to what I had last winter

And I think of you

Throughout the day things happen

As they always do

But you come to mind

I go to work

Waiting tables or watching kids

It all comes back to you

I remember going out to dinner

And I remember working together

Everywhere I go I think of you

It’s still fresh

I still miss you

And I hope that it will lessen

Time will tell

Whether you’ll come back

Or if you won’t

Because when the night comes

And I’m going to sleep

I think of you

Collapse

One foot in front of the other

One step at a time

Racing forward

Never looking back

My heart pounding

My breathing ragged

Suddenly stopping

Fading into nothingness

Collapse

The walls crumbling down

Security disappearing

Darkness falls

Panic sets in

Shallow breathing

Not now

Not now

Remembering

Things I’m trying to forget

Desperately hoping

Hanging on a thread

Yet the walls I built

Are crumbling around me

Hope is coming and going

Left alone again

Certain

There have been times

When I just know

Something comes over me

And I know

It’s nothing in particular

But something let’s me know

And I feel it

And I’m sure

Then in a instant

It’s gone

I don’t know

And I feel lost

That sure feeling

It comes and goes

Until it comes

And it doesn’t go

I had a moment like that

A few-month span really

When everything felt right

And I just knew

There was a certain feeling

That came over me

And I was happy

Happier than I’d been

I knew that something

In my life had done this

And I was right

But it was more than that

It wasn’t just

That certain something

No, there was more to it

It was that certain someone

I’m not saying

He was the one

Because I don’t think so

But he was special

It was who he was

And who he made me

The way he made me feel

The way I tried to be better

I let go of all the crap

I was living

For maybe the first time

And it was wonderful

Then it was gone

In an instant

And it hurt

More than I could bear

It still hurts now

But the pain eases

And I know

Once again

That life is full

Of little moments

That give us certainty

And indefinite uncertainty

Can't Stop

When I close my eyes you’re here

Standing right in front of me

It’s then that I can’t get you out

You’re in my head

And sometimes…

I’m always thinking of you

When I’m talking to people we knew

It’s all about you

And I can’t stop

I don’t know how

I don’t even know if I want to

My head hits the pillow

As I begin to drift off

There you are again

Laying right beside me

And I dream of you

I can’t fight it

It just goes on

I tried to move on

But it didn’t work

You just kept coming

So here I am

Closing my eyes

Seeing you again

And all I can say is…

You’re always on my mind

And your name is on the tip of my tongue

I see you everywhere I go

I think of you with everything I do

You’re so much a part of me

That I don’t know what to do

Without thinking of you

I can’t imagine what I’d do

If you weren’t in my life

But then I remember

For a while you weren’t

The pain I felt

The loss

I don’t want to feel that way again

And yet I’m sure I will

Lately I’ve had this feeling

In the pit of my stomach

Something bad is going to happen

Is it me?

Does it have anything to do with me?

Sometimes I wonder…

Why can’t I stop?

Thinking about you

Talking about you

Dreaming of you

Seeing you

When does it end?

Because I can’t stop

The way I feel

About you

About what’s coming

I don’t know what it is

But I wonder

If I’m just setting myself up

To be disappointed all over again

Can't

It’s one of those 4 letter words

Our parents tell us not to say it

Our coaches tell us not to say it

Lots of people tell us not to say it

And yet here I am

And I’ve decided to write it out

What I can’t do…

I can’t hold a grudge

I can’t dive

I can’t fit in a size 2

I can’t watch a pointless movie

I can’t always let go

I can’t stop myself sometimes

I can’t always decide what I want to do

I can’t read every book as fast as I read Harry Potter

I can’t stay away sometimes

I can’t turn off my emotions

I can’t stand mean people

I can’t be happy all of the time

I can’t be mean for long

I can’t be a bitch most of the time

I can’t deal with boredom well

I can’t be alone too much

I can’t give up what I want

I can’t cook all that well

I can’t deal with people all of the time

I can’t always tell my friends what I really think

Brave

Within

Without

There is something

That lies within

It’s there

It’s in all of us

When you can’t run

When you can’t hide

That’s when you find

That you can stop

Something lies deep within

Something that can save us

And after everything

It’s something so simple

To just stand up

To be yourself

All it takes is one time

And you never have to look back

The future lies ahead

And the past is in the past

Be brave

Live

Better Now

Emotions are running on high

I feel everything so keenly

Every feeling that runs through me

Each time I remember something

I can feel it happening all over again

I smile at the good times

I laugh at the funny ones

I cry over the sad times

And sometimes I get angry

There are lots of emotions

They all come and go

It all helps me to feel

When I feel, really feel it

Then it passes

Memories are good

I love all of them

Because they’re all my life

My experiences make me who I am

I’m not done becoming me

I’ve got more to experience

And more memories to make

All of it will just help to make me

Whoever it is I’m supposed to be

Avoidance

I think we all know it

We don’t like to admit it

Or how much we know

But we’re all avoiding something

We’ve all avoided something

The truth is it doesn’t get easier

There comes a point in one’s life

When you have to face the music

That’s what I’ve heard anyway

And the truth of the matter is

That you do have to face it

You have to realize that it won’t go away

Life is a big complicated mess

But only if you don’t break it down

Into the much smaller, simpler messes

I’m still young and quite naïve

But I’m learning to do just this

Right now I have to do exactly this

I’m avoiding myself really

I don’t want to face the facts

That it’s all in my head

I like the idea more than reality

Because the idea is usually nicer

But reality has so much more to offer

In the end I know my options

I’ve weighed it out

And I have my answer

As I’m sitting on my bed

Writing out my thoughts in poetry

It’s so much easier said than done

I don’t like the complications

I don’t like to be pushed around

I hate when people get to me

I like to be left alone sometimes

Even if it’s not good for me

I want things to be on my terms

Yet I know that life doesn’t

It doesn’t go according to plan

It gets messy and complicated

Life hurts and it makes you smile

All in all I know what I have to do

I need to let go for my own good

It sucks to realize the truth

It’s not fun letting go of a dream

But it’s just that, a dream

And right now reality is what I need

I might not want it but I need it

I’ll take it and I’ll be ok

I know that in the end

Everything will be alright

It may not seem like it right now

Maybe not even tomorrow

But one day when I don’t even realize it’s happened

That’s when it will happen

At Heart

When I look into my future

I can see all that I want to do

I see all that I haven’t done

And I wonder how I’ll do it all

I guess I just have to plan to do it all

But understand that I might not get to

There has to be some realism

Even if I’m not inclined to be realistic

No, I’m more of an idealist

I see the possibilities

And I believe that we can do anything

And that’s a good thing

I’d rather believe in it

And maybe it won’t get done

But it’s better than being cynical

It’s better than not believing in anything at all

In my heart of hearts

I’m a romantic

I want to believe that it’ll work out

I want everyone to be happy

There comes a point

When I realize it probably won’t happen

But until then I just hope

And I believe in the idea of true love

Somehow I know

That happily ever after doesn’t exist

But there may be something close to it

I think some of us get close to it

And then when I get tired

Of believing in it all

I just lie down and look

I look at the clouds

I gaze up at the stars

I run around like a kid

I climb trees

And I swing when I’m happy

Because when you get down to it

All there is to me

Is something really simple

A kid at heart

At First

‘Let it happen naturally.’

That’s been a motto of mine

And I believe it still

If you let things develop naturally

They’re more inclined to work

Because there’s really something there

Pushing and shoving won’t do it

And if you do get something out of them

You’ve started off on the wrong foot

I started something new at Christmas time

It started off as just a job

A way to make money for while

See, I took time off from school

Because I didn’t know what I wanted

I was confused and feeling very lost

Somehow this job developed

It became so much more

Than just a job

First impressions aren’t everything

I remember training before I started

It seems like it happened ages ago

It was just a few short months ago really

I was whispering and playing tic tac toe

Well, that was before we really had to play

When we were going over games

We all had to participate

I remember a fresh face leading the way

An intern for the season

He had a list of games to share

It was a little bit of fun in a long night

I saw him

But I didn’t think much of him then

And that’s because I didn’t know him

Time flew by

It was sometime in January

When we made a deal

Well, it was a deal of sorts

We carpooled together to save money

Although it seems I’m the one that saved

He always wanted to drive

I never pushed to drive us

It may have been about his new ‘truck’

The season went on

Birthdays came and went

Parties came and went

Everything was good

There was so much fun to be had

And I have so many great memories

I’ll never forget how it started though

Because it’s funny to think

At first I didn’t think much of him at all

All in Time

I’m standing here now

One glance downward

And one glance back up

Now I can see your face again

But it’s fading away

My memory is failing me

All I want is to see your face

In three months you brought me back to life

In a matter of days I fell apart all over again

It took me six long months to find myself

In all that time I never would have guessed

What you would come to mean to me

Or how you would help me

Or even how I would learn to help me

Now I'm on a road of my own choosing

I don't know where it's going

But I'm finally happy right where I am

It took me a while to feel that way

Believe it or not you had a lot to do with it

Even without you standing beside me

I’m happy with me

Time heals all wounds

Time moves us forward

Everything changes in time

I wonder if you’ll come back in time

Or if I’ll leave in time

I can’t keep looking back

So, I’m looking forward

All I Want

There’s been a lot going on lately

The world around me feels so different

Things don’t seem as clear as they used to

And all I want is a friend

A lot has been running through my mind

It’s getting kinda crazy in here

I don’t really like that crazy

Not too long ago I was a different kind of crazy

I remember joking about it actually

To do the job I loved to do I had to be crazy

Now it’s different in a weird way

I don’t feel seriously crazy but it’s close

It feels like I’m falling back into something

And it’s a something I don’t really want again

I’ve felt this way before and I didn’t like it

It got better when I found a friend

Things seemed simple

Life never really is that simple

But for a while it felt like it was

And I miss that

Recently things have become quite complicated

And yet they’ve gotten a little simpler

But a lot of things went through my mind

Emotions were running on high

I felt lonely and a little broken

Then I started to find little bits of joy

Then suddenly I was worried and anxious

And when I found out what was going on…

I was disappointed to say the least

And I was angry

He was a jerk

And he was weak

I thought he was stronger

I thought he was better than that

I found myself wishing that I could go back in time

But I knew that I couldn’t

I’m not angry now

I’m still disappointed

Because I lost something

And all I want is to have my friend back

All About Me

I’m a girl.

And that’s the obvious.

I like guys.

In case you couldn’t tell.

I love movies.

I know random shit.

It’s not like I try to memorize it,

I just do.

I never really liked math.

I’m a history and English person.

I don’t like having to put on make-up.

I hate painting my nails.

Probably because it’s always messy,

And it takes too much time.

Time I could be doing something else.

I love kids.

I definitely want a few someday.

Mostly I like school.

I can get bored easily.

I can be snappy.

I can be a bitch.

Most of the time I’m an optimistic idealist.

Occasionally I’m a realist.

And sometimes I’m even a pessimist.

My favorite color is purple.

I like cats and dogs.

I enjoy running.

But it’s something I have to work at.

I love reading a good book,

Or having a good debate.

Having a meaningful talk is just as important.

I can’t stand ignorant people.

They’re annoying.

Because ignorance is just not trying.

I’m trying to write a book about my life.

I love to ski.

I like to hike.

I enjoy the outdoors.

I’m not a typical girl.

I’m more often a guy’s friend than his girlfriend.

Sometimes it sucks.

Because I usually start to like him more than that.

And then I learn too much to ever date him.

When I watch TV I tend to tune everything else out.

It annoys my dad.

I’m nicer to my friends than I am to my parents.

Does that make me a bad person?

Who knows me better?

Sometimes I forget to say thank you.

My birthday is June 2.

I have siblings.

And nephews.

I don’t want to think about getting married

And having kids…

Until I’m 25-ish.

I can’t wait until I finish college.

I have to spend time alone.

If I don’t I get cranky.

I don’t know what I’d do without my friends.

I love making new friends.

I hate it when people leave.

Shit happens.

I get déjà vu all the time.

It’s quite freaky sometimes.

I like hats.

They work well on me.

When I like a guy…

Whoa!

I really like him.

But I have a fear of rejection.

So more times than not…

I say nothing.

And really…

I’m just cheating myself.

I have a good relationship with both of my parents.

My mom & me…

We got a lot closer when I was visiting colleges.

And now I’ve even heard one of my friends say

That we sound like the Gilmore Girls.

Yeah… don’t know what to say about that.

But my mom didn’t have me at 16. Lol.

My dad… he’s kind of my hero.

He’s done so much for my brother & me.

I don’t think there’s any way we could ever repay him.

When it comes to the car I drive

I wish I could keep my Volvo forever

I miss it when I don’t have it

Is that weird?

A Friend

When I first saw you there wasn’t much.

I didn’t get a wow.

I didn’t know what would happen.

I never had a clue.

Time went by and I saw you.

I saw that you were a great person.

I got to see things that I never imagined.

I see now that some things are just meant to be.

Little by little I got to know you.

I know little things and big things.

All the talks we’ve had,

Just added to it all.

It was work, day in and day out,

But every day you were there

Felt a little easier.

You made work fun.

One day followed the next.

They all seem blurred together now.

The season’s over and we’re moving on.

I think that’s the hardest part.

I knew that it would all go as it had come.

And yet I still find myself wishing…

I wish it wasn’t over.

I wish I could go back to the beginning.

That can’t be done though.

We all have to move on.

I know that’s what I’ll do,

But I won’t forget.

I found a someone to talk to.

Someone to count on and

Someone to play with and

Someone to share the quiet.

There were ups and downs.

I saw you when you were cranky

And I still tried to cheer you up

I never backed away.

We shared happy days and

A lot of fun times.

Some were times to loosen up,

And others were times to let loose.

No matter what happens next

I promise to remember it all.

I won’t forget what I found in you,

A friend.